


Like a Hat Trick

by PurpleArrowzandLeather



Series: One Big Batty Family [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Justice League: War, Under the Red Hood
Genre: the batfam being confusing on purpose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 07:37:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15925859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleArrowzandLeather/pseuds/PurpleArrowzandLeather
Summary: The Justice League members are a little overwhelmed upon realizing that Batman works ALONE.





	Like a Hat Trick

**Author's Note:**

> I became amused.

           The Justice League are having their first-ever formal meeting. Sadly, Bruce couldn't leave anyone at home, since Alfred kicked everyone out for a cleaning day. Naturally, this means they all came with him. It's not like they don't have better things to do.  _But,_ Dick had wheedled and Damian had tutted and so here they are, waiting for the other League members to show up.

          Dick is sitting on the big table in the middle of the room. Well,  _sitting_ is relative when it comes to Dick. He's been in handstand position for the last five minutes and his face is finally starting to turn red. Damian is determined to push him over, but Dick just moves over a few inches every time. Jason is asleep in Bruce's chair at the head of the table, head tilted back and light snores coming through the modulator in his helmet. One of his guns is in his lap, the other on the table near to where he's got his feet kicked up. Tim is sleep-encrypting, his hands gliding over the main keyboard as he downloads every bit of information from the League computer, drool dripping from his mouth. He's been low on caffeine lately. Bruce doesn't even  _need_ the data from the League computer.

          Stephanie is hanging from the rafters, applying purple nail polish to Duke's fingernails. He doesn't complain, watching with vague interest. Harper crawls over their legs, climbing higher. 

          For a minute, Bruce doesn't see Cass, but he finds her wrapped securely under Jason's arm, his other gun now on the table. Bruce smiles at her from his shadowy corner of the room. Katie is nowhere to be seen, but Bruce can hear crashing and banging in the Watchtower kitchen. Barbara wheels into the room, grinning even though there are noodles in her hair. She's wearing her old Batgirl cowl along with her regular clothes. 

          It takes another ten minutes for the other League members to start showing up. Just as Superman walks in the main door, Dick puts his feet down and does a backflip, leaping over Damian's sweeping leg. Superman stares, Flash bumping into him from behind. Bruce grins to himself. 

          Superman moves out of the way, Flash zipping past him to the far side of the room. "Whoa! Supes, there's already people in here."

          Bruce's bunch doesn't seem to hear him (Bruce knows that they actually do), Dick doing a cartwheel back across the table. Damian realizes their presence first and he stands up straight, crossing his arms. "Tt."

          Dick and the others turn at the same time, their movements eerily similar. Almost owl-like. The oddness of it is punctuated by Jason still snoring despite having turned his head as well. Tim looks like a zombie, though no one but the Batfamily would ever know since his cowl is up.

          As if they were all of one mind, they retreat to Bruce's corner, melting into the shadows behind him. Katie emerges from the kitchen to join them and they all disappear behind Bruce's cape. Bruce can hear one of them unscrewing the vent and he gives them a few seconds to scurry inside and put the vent back up. He's certain no one else knows the vent is there. Not even Superman could know, since everything is lined with lead. 

          Bruce is nothing if not prepared. 

          Bruce steps out of the shadows and greets Superman with a handshake. "You're late."

          "We got lost when we came inside." Flash answers, shaking Bruce's hand in earnest. "Pleasure to work with you again, sir."

          "Batman is fine, Flash."

          He flushes and Bruce turns to Wonder Woman, clasping her bracer. "It is once again good to see you, Dark Knight."

          Bruce dips his head with respect, crossing one arm over his chest. "All the same, Diana."

          Lantern doesn't seem all that pleased to see him, but he shakes his hand anyway. Manners an' all. Cyborg and Shazam sit down at the table first and Flash immediately heads for the computer. 

          "This place is awesome. Bruce Wayne sure is pretty generous to give a place like this to a bunch of vigilantes."

          Bruce sits down at the head of the table, glaring at Superman when he comes to sit at his right hand. He's not deterred. Bruce had managed to conceal his identity from everyone else thus far and he's really not planning on giving up that edge. He knows pretty much all there is to know about anyone else.

          "Um, not to talk about the elephant in the room, or lack thereof, but where did all the.... 'dark ones' go?" Flash says, sliding his gloved hand along the pristine table. "Ugh! Is this.... drool?"

          Bruce successfully hides his smile, shrugging. "Could be. Could be plasma."

          Flash turns, looking at him. "You leave plasma lying around?"

          Bruce glances at everyone else, as they make themselves comfortable at the table. Flash joins them, wiping his hands on his legs. "So, the dark ones?"

          "They aren't 'dark ones'." Bruce answers. "They're the other vigilantes in Gotham and Bludhaven."

          "There's like twenty of them!" Lantern shouts. "You won't let _us_ into Gotham, but there's twenty other random vigilantes in there with you?"

          "Ten. And they aren't random."

          Jason picks that exact moment to break down the main doors, running away from Katie who is chasing after him with a steak knife. There's a little blood on it.

          "Dad, help! She's tryna' kill me!!!" 

          "What did you do?" Bruce asks, his tone indecipherable. 

          "She was gonna season the steak with taco sauce!" Jason says, yelping as the knife embeds itself into the wall next to his head. 

          "NO I WASN'T!"

          "YOU WERE! YOU WERE LITERALLY ABOUT TO DUMP IT ON TOP!"

          "Batwoman." Bruce says lowly. "No maiming."

          "Maiming and stabbing are not the same thing!"

          Jason leaps up to the rafters, using the computer as a spring board. "YES THEY ARE!"

          Katie throws a bolo at Jason and he falls to the ground. He quickly cuts the rope, narrowly avoiding another steak knife as it flies over his head. Dick comes in, tackling Katie to the ground and wrestling all the steak knives from her person. She growls, threatening murder and Jason hides behind Tim as he comes in. 

          "Here! Take the shrimp!"

          Bruce face-palms as Dick drags Katie from the room, kicking and screaming. "I already fixed the steak, Hood. It's in the microwave."

          "YOU DID WHAT?! YOU CAN'T PUT STEAK IN THE MICROWAVE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Jason tackles him, Batwoman escaping from his grasp. Damian pulls Dick from the room, fleeing as fast as he can. Jason chases them both and Tim sighs, following behind. Batwoman comes into the main area just long enough to collect her other knives and Flash ducks as she leaps over the table to track down Jason.

          There's a muted scream and Bruce wishes that he were anywhere else right now.

          The noise dies down as they get further away again and all eyes in the room turn to him. Superman is the first to speak. 

          "He called you dad."

          Bruce smirks. "He did."

          "You have kids? Ten kids?!" Flash gawks.

          "Is that a problem?" 

          "No, Batman. No problem... I just.... I thought you worked alone." Superman says nervously. 

          "You didn't think. You assumed."

          Lantern laughs, but the sound is weak. "Ten though? How many- I mean uh, are they.... yours?"

          Bruce raises his brow. "Yes."

          Shazam gapes. "Biologically?"

          "One."

          "Adopted?"

          "Four....ish."

          Superman blinks. "Ish?"

          Bruce shrugs, wincing as he hears a crash. "Ignore that. We have more important things to worry about."

          They start the meeting, though it's not exactly conductive what with the screaming and the scattered interruptions throughout it. Cass comes back after another hour and settles into Bruce's lap. She listens to the meeting with avid attention and makes vague suggestions through body language and hand gestures. Bruce is glad for her input and is vaguely amused by the League's expressions as Bruce communicates with her without a single word.

          When Cass leaves, Dick takes a seat at the table, pizza sauce in his hair and steak juice smeared on his face. "Hood took over the kitchen by force."

          Bruce nods, continuing the discussion on property damage. Bruce isn't surprised when Tim comes in, whipped cream on his cowl with a cherry on top. He shakes the fluff off before sitting down in Bruce's chair with him. Bruce continues talking even while he's cleaning the rest of the whipped topping off of Tim's head. Tim falls asleep and Bruce moves just enough so that Tim's head tilts against his chest. Shazam raises his hand. 

          "Yes?"

          "If I asked really nicely, would you adopt me?"

          "That's irrelevant, but you can ask again later."

          He pumps his fists. "Yes! I'm gonna get adopted by Batman, Cyborg. You'll see!"

          "Sure thing, Shaz. I'll believe it when I see it."

          Barbara rolls in, Damian sleeping in her lap and she picks him up by the scruff of his costume to hand him off to Bruce. Bruce positions the other boy on his right side, angling him away from Tim should he wake up. Jason comes in next, wearing a chef's hat on top of his hood and an apron that says, 'If you kiss the cook, it's your funeral.'. He drags one of the chairs over to Bruce's side and leans against his shoulder. Bruce carefully removes the chef's hat, putting it down on the table along with both of the boy's guns and Damian's katana. Cass climbs the back of his chair, sitting on his shoulders and petting the top of his cowl. Bruce doesn't mind.

          Harper sits in Barbara's lap because Bruce's is full, pulling the wheelchair as close to Bruce's as she can. Stephanie comes in, her lips covered in purple frosting as she flops down across the three pairs of knees in Bruce's chair. Damian doesn't wake up, but he mutters. 

          " _Move, Fatgirl._ "

          Hal leans over to Flash. " _How many more do you think he can fit?_ "

          Bruce looks up. "All of them."

          Dick grins, chuckling. "I can take one if you've got a few too many."

          "Don't fool yourself, Nightwing. You'd be here too if there weren't so many other residents."

          "Yeah, I guess you're right." he lays his head down on the table, sighing. "I'm so lonely, B."

          Bruce rolls his eyes so hard, he thinks he just saw earth from outer space. "Either deal with it or find a way to sit here. Don't just wallow there and moan about it. Be a problem solver, not a problem maker."

          "You've been saying that for years."

          "And yet it's still true." Bruce huffs, ignoring the blank stares of the Justice League.

          Much to the Justice League's dismay, Dick gets to his feet and contorts himself so that he's half in Jason's lap and half in Bruce's. Further movement has his arm around Damian and his other around Stephanie's stomach to keep her from sliding out from under him. Katie sits down next to Jason's chair and leans against it. As if sensing her, his arm droops down to rest on her neck. She subtly snuggles with him. 

          Bruce tips his gaze down to the floor when he feels pressure against his knees and finds that Duke is under the table, arm resting on his knee as a pillow for his head. 

          Bruce keeps the meeting going as if nothing has changed even as Cass covers his eyes from time to time. The League members actually start to get more comfortable with him as the meeting goes on on. Must make him seem more human or something. Jason murmurs in his sleep and Bruce reaches a hand over to comfort him, letting go of Damian for just a second. Jason leans into the hand for a few moments before relaxing and letting his head drop onto his chest. 

          When the meeting ends, Bruce doesn't have the heart to wake them up. Shazam stays behind when the others leave and he chews his lip for a second. 

          "What's wrong, Billy?" Bruce asks lowly.

          Shazam turns his head, ever so slowly to meet Bruce's gaze. "H-How'd you know?"

          "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. I think only Victor knows."

          Billy nods. "Were you serious?"

          "About?"

          "What you said, during the meeting?"

          Bruce smiles. "I don't know. You think there's room for one more?"

          "I just... It seems nice, is all."

          "You have a foster family."

          "I don't know." Billy shrugs. "I just don't fit in there."

          "I know. But you could."

          "You know?" Billy's eyes go wide. "Have you been watching me?"

          "I watch all of you. It's a precaution."

          Billy looks at all of Bruce's kids. "Looks cozy."

          "Not always. We argue, and fight, but eventually things calm down again."

          "Right, the steak thing, and.... the knives." he hesitates. "I don't think I'm ready for that. But in my foster home, no one there knows or even understands that I have a life and I'm secretly an adult who makes my own decisions."

          "Well, if you ever are ready for a bigger group, you can ask again. Then we'll see."

          Shazam is about to turn around and leave when a portal opens up above their heads. Bruce stiffens just a tiny bit, not enough to wake anyone.  _Please don't be a threat._

          A form drops onto the table, black with a glowing red bat on the chest. He isn't wearing a mask and he's sobbing. " _He's dead. The old man is actually dead."_

          "Who are you?" Bruce says lowly, still trying not to wake his kids. 

          The kid on the table looks over at him and his eyes widen. "Wayne?"

          Bruce's eyes flick to Billy and back again. "How do you know who I am?"

          He doesn't seem to hear. "What...-" he sits up on the table, limbs shaky. "What year is it?"

          "2014."

          He looks up. " _Schway._ "

          "Who are you?"

          "My name is Terry, and I'm your son."

          Bruce blinks, then takes in Terry's face. Black hair. Blue eyes. His jaw is sharp and his mouth is hard set. Bruce beckons him closer and he comes without complaint. He grabs the boy's arm where his uniform is ripped and the the kid winces as the needle pricks him. The blood test doesn't take long and Bruce is startled by the confirmation.  _How old do I live to? Eighty?_

          "Terry." Bruce says and Shazam startles. 

          "Another kid?"

          "What happened to you, Terry?"

          He grips Bruce's hand, tears welling in his eyes. "You were killed and then something sent me back in time. I don't have a way home." He ducks his head, sniffling. 

          "Easy. It's all right. We'll figure it out."

          Terry takes a sharp breath. "Wait. This can't be 2014. You'd have to be at least 60!"

          "Why, what year are you from?"

          "2039."

          "Wait. I live to sixty?"

          "More like ninety, old man. You really are an old crone where I come from." he slows. "Well, you were."

          Bruce grimaces. "Well, obviously you didn't get zapped back in time. You're in a whole different universe with no way back."

          Terry slouches rubbing a hand through his hair. "What if I can't go home? I'll never see my mom or my little brother again."

          "We'll see when we get that far. For now though, we'll have Tim make you a new identity and get some adoption papers in the works."

          "Right. Paper is a thing here." he trails off. "Tim?"

          Bruce tilts his head and Cass knocks on his cowl. He nods in response and Cass relaxes. "She says you know the name."

          "Right, um, in my universe or whatever, Tim was kidnapped by the Joker when he was little and then the Joker took over his body last year with a microchip."

          Jason takes a sharp breath at the mention of the Joker, but he still doesn't rouse. It apparently caught Terry's attention.

          "Who's that?"

          "Red Hood."

          He shakes his head. "No idea who that is."

          Bruce isn't sure what to think, but for now, he doesn't care. He taps Cass' fingers and she giggles, leaning over Bruce's head to tap Dick. When he stirs, it's like a chain reaction. Damian rouses and Tim slurps up some drool. Jason's head tips up and Katie makes a questioning noise. Harper is stopped mid-snore and Barbara jolts awake. Steph falls off of Bruce's lap as Dick lets go and Duke shouts in surprise as she falls on top of him. 

          They all sit up, staring at Terry as he sits on the table.

          He waves, a little shy. 

          Dick rubs his eyes. "B, who is that?"

          "This is Terry. He's.... he's your brother and he's from a different universe."

          Shazam's jaw drops as Dick shrugs, climbing up on the table and picking the boy up, holding him under the armpits like he's from the Lion King. He squirms, but he can't get away. 

          "Behold!" Dick shouts. "Another one!"

          Katie grumbles under her breath and slaps fifty dollars into Jason's waiting hand. 

          Billy shakes his head, quietly saying 'Shazam' and he makes a little popping sound like a bad electrical socket. He's a little kid within a blink of an eye and he grins at Bruce. 

          "Sign me up, Bats."

          "You're sure?"

          "This is crazy, but absolutely."

          Katie screams in frustration and hands another fifty dollars over to Jason. 

          Bruce looks down at Shazam as all the others climb off of him. "In that case." he couches down in front of him, tugging his cowl back. "My name is Bruce Wayne."

          Billy coughs. "Holy cow! You're Bruce-Freakin'-Wayne! Batman is BRUCE-FREAKIN'-WAYNE! I'M GETTING ADOPTED BY BRUCE-FREAKIN'-WAYNE!!!!"

          "Billy, no need to be so loud. Dick, put Terry down."

          Dick pouts, but he moves over to Billy. "Look at you! Welcome to the family, Billy."

          Billy grins wide and Dick ruffles his hair. "Thanks." 

          Bruce gets up herding his kids to the door. He hears Terry grunt with pain and turns. Terry pulls himself up from the table and limps towards them. Bruce gestures for him to stop, going to him instead. He picks the boy up.

          "You aren't used to this yet, but you will be." Bruce murmurs.

          "Depends on how long I'm staying, Wayne."

          "I think this is something you ought to stick around for. We'll get you home eventually, and depending in how the time continueum is feeling, maybe even within minutes of when you left."

          "Whatever you say, old man. It's just gonna be weird having you around in your prime and with 11 other children to boot. I might actually have to fight for your attention."

          "You'll get used to it." Bruce grins. 

          Okay, maybe he's got a compulsive adoption problem, but no one so far has questioned it, and he's not about to let it stop him. He loves all of his children, biological, adopted or other, and  _no one_ is going to take that away from him.


End file.
